afterthoughts

2009-07-04T12:56:00.001-07:00

hey peoples. I have moved blogging central to tumblr...

you can find it at stonewall.tumblr.com

or by linking through my new website :P

stonewallmonroe.com

2009-06-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

something? something.

xerxes but not (a sonnet)

2009-06-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

brother, thy anonymous name

selfless, selfish, (droplets falling)

run and run and run and run (droplets falling)

hang on a bit, a bitter fame

the existence of a plane

in which a house exists (droplets falling)

where the earth is steady (droplets falling)

where a man can be sane.

a home

not hurtling

just born

alone

not hurting

just morn

desert (a rondel)

2009-06-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

come back to me

fill, rebuild an empty cup

and it is you that interrupt

why would you desire to be

any feat burdened by the sea

wind burns, and stings the lips

come back to me

fill, rebuild an empty cup

calloused by degree

cracked lines disrupt

cracked nails enough

lack taken for plenty

come back to me

2009-06-09T19:03:00.001-07:00

smoke and mirrors. though I'm not quite sure what they are for. I've brought them.. here. if you were wondering. so now they are here. I have a jar of smoke. and a jar of mirrors. carefully and somewhat jealously I guard these little treasures. Ah via musicom. So much for luck. Anyway. it's true. I sometimes get worried and nervous. Though at the moment it seems that doubt which I sometimes have has attached itself to something different than usual. It seems that when I work out with my own brain the beneficial path, well, it doesn't quite work out that way. But maybe someday I'll get shoved in the right direction.

not sure how to name this

2009-05-23T22:34:00.001-07:00

you are afraid of the cliff

I am afraid of the fall

you are afraid of the silence

i am afraid of the noise of

you are afraid of death

I am afraid of missing you

you are afraid of leaving

I am afraid of not missing you

come look at the moon through the window

see it smiles with a borrowed glory

the end is not beginning to learn

how to live with a broken hand

you’re broken at the gates

and offered all you’ve ever had

on broken plates

chipped and all you’ve been sad

come look at the moon through the window

see it smiles with a borrowed glory

the end is not beginning to learn

how to live with a broken hand

see the little girl play, she sings so sweetly

watch her feet play the sand and her eyes play the melody

come look at the moon through the window

see it smiles with a borrowed glory

the end is not beginning to learn

how to live with a broken hand

magnete poetre

2009-05-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

2009-05-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

And after all this.

Are you living the dream. It isn't enough to sit there wholly contented with some societal measure of success. Once again being defined by that which does not define you. Wearing stiletto's on your ego doesn't make you any taller. This isn't to say that somehow you are the only measure by which you live. Find your definition. Make sure it isn't something that can change based on the weather or the radio.

flash photography.

just sayin. i mean. I just felt like saying flash photography.

fun with rhyming

2009-05-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

medical mister

disastrous sister

a death of an enemy.

Cold and alone

in a race to the phone

and a trumped up dystrophy

raining and straining

too corrupt to defame

calling a name

the best, rest canopy.

Come away from the window - Christmas

2009-05-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

The elderly woman lingered. She smelled of thrift shoppes and christmas. She must have delusions that such thing is a mark of beauty. Laid on so thick you can almost see the green tag sale and hear the bell ringers. He remembered. A dog. The door to the outside was oak, and it’s glory weighed upon him. Brushing some canine hair from his sleeve, he turned his attention upward. The chair leaned back a little far and fell. He lay, and as his allergies bothered him immensely, a sneeze arose within, he attempted to make contact. long… long… long... short. short. short. long. long. long. . . . attempting to escape cliché at the expense of nonsense.

hand soap and a scottish revolutionary.

2009-05-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

why do you sit there like so many bubbles trapped in hand soap.

content, frozen by surrounding, encased in the plastic securities

that bring any other William Wallace to his knees crying for freedom.

a little gnome lore.

2009-04-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

the poor little guys.

they never had a even a little chance.

little pointy hats.

green little shoes.

little rotund caricatures.

growing little beards.

saving for a little retirement.

in case of little on the job accidents.

that might happen on little adventures.

all to feed little gnome wives.

it's tough to lead little, gnome, lives.

title

2009-04-28T14:13:00.001-07:00

I'm having trouble moving today.

There were orange bricks swimming in the Iowa river this morning.

Sea foam not produced by the sea sank downstream.

The gray sky smiles and innocently pretends ignorance.

and I seem to be having trouble moving today.

tra gnikam em dna arod dora and me making art

2009-04-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

perhaps i ought not

2009-04-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

perhaps I ought not what I oughtn't have done. but now is a time of review and cognizance of a cognitive dissonance in which my life can not simply be hanging by a thread, for if it were at least I would know what is holding it together. but more well better good i think that floating isn't something i'm doing, but rather a longer more depth of free fall in your hands.

Mr. Potato head picks his nose.

2009-04-22T15:08:00.001-07:00

2009-04-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

I suppose there is more to life than this.

searching for hay in a needle stack

2009-04-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

I am looking for the hay in a stack of golden needles,

You are anything but ordinary, there is just so very much

You will be my, will be my. Every time I try, my hands come

wounded.

2009-04-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

that once in the morning I would remember. call you let it fall.

failing to connect, and develop a sight for these things. chances are. well. chances. jump from a metaphorical bridge contrasting your life and mine. I landed on insecurity. He was well dressed with a shirt reading "Insecurity." Gonna hire him to be my bouncer.

melting

2009-04-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

melting, slowly melting,

cracking, here I miss the

way. cold and freezing,

slowly melting, cracking,

things used to be so much,

dripping, slowly melting,

cracking, more now, than

here, residing, slowly melt

ing, cracking, where all there

is to think of is one more way

in which the me failed the you,

one more way in which the now

tried to soon to reflect a future then.

the sandcastle adventure

2009-04-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

everytime. everytime. everytime, I tell you. everytime puma-man tells me about a caper, inevitably it inextricably evolves into something quite more intense than originally intended. or at least conveyed. we ended up demolishing the taco bell with fast acting termites, burying it in the bottom of the ocean and waiting about five minutes, and then digging up the remains of the ill-fated restaurant and made a sand castle out of it's now sand like remains. or maybe we couldn't find where we buried it, so we just used regular sand. either way. it ended up being large enough we hired an entire team of alphabet soup noodles to make a sign, and we sold tacos across the street from where the old taco bell used to be. except we made fish tacos. puma-man likes fish. so much so that then we grew some gills and went swimming in the gulf for hours and he told me all about jellyfish. ok, i know what you say, you can't grow gills. that's true, we actually bartered for them. I gave my lungs to a bluegill in exchange for it and its brother's gills. puma did the same, except with a clown fish. yeah.

the chase

2009-04-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

so there i was, in the middle of campus, and all of the sudden, i hear this roaring screeching sound. kind of sounded like a gorilla pounding on a whiteboard. scratch that, not that squeaky, more like a gorilla pounding on a chalkboard. a chalkboard with a portion of the sistine chapel copied onto it. or something. anyways. naturally i turn around, and what do i see? it turned out to be a renoir copy. i think it was this one ( http://www.zona-pellucida.com/renoir-claudepainting.html ). And then this four legged puma-man leaps out from behind a bus and starts chasing me. luckily i had a boomerang in my backpack, so i knocked this birdhouse off of a post and it hit the puma-man right on the noggin. thereabouts anyways. welp, that slowed him down a bit, then i was able to duck in the restroom for some much needed rest, and again, luckily, he was recovering right as i was finishing resting. so we had a grand ole chase and then we took a break to take a nap. tomorrow i think we are going to build a sand castle in front of taco bell. sort of a protest or something.

2009-04-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

straight lines and rows of chairs.

they gather solitarily in solidarity their

respective armies waiting in consternation.

Disrespective of percepted or actual.

ah, without, lacking any sense of outside.

My favorite use of lined paper is writing

with disregard for the lines. with disregar-

-d for an arbitrary organization. let me move this chair over here.

one, two, three. hmm... about 7th from the left.

(lamp)

2009-04-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

for that which everyone but them seems to grasp, (home)

(street lamp) (road)

(s)omehow (fence)(gate)(fence)(fence)(fence)

(tree) rn|ng, [fe

(d)irely, yea- nce]

(e)arnes|ly, [fen

(w)ho need; those ce]

(tree) fo|lowing, [fenc (tree)

(l) not care for those e]

(k) the roa| seems to (house)

ah, clarification is nice.

2009-04-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much certain that I like eggplant, and if a can of food started talking to me, I wouldn't be terribly surprised.

post 100

2009-04-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

is life, too much to ask

Ís this, too such to mask

that I would, but which I not

That which I know

That which I see

all

seems

a darker shade

A lighter grey, lit

seems

that yet again, I wake too soon

that yet again, I wake too soon,

woken by a broken hollow,

the hole is through my side

sleep feels more empty

and waking fails to comfort.

here I hope that I can be

bleeding out to see you live

a one way mirror would be nice

2009-04-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

ah if only i could sit

not concerned for your thoughts, and you not see me

if only could i leave

you to yourself and not continually drag me here

if could i only beg

that you forget my existence, a peril would i hold,

dear,

if i could only keep

my expressions from being seen, for then what

i could only keep if

you couldn't

broken flower

2009-04-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

and all I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

Here I stand, with my head in my hands,

trying to see, to see you live

Empty, broken shells surround

surround, walk once more, surround

shotgun through my hands, maybe that’ll be the day

and all I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

Everything these hands, touch,

it turns to dust, and turns to dust

Empty, broken shells surround

surround, walk once more, surround

This chair that I sit in creaks, sounds just like I feel

and all I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

and all I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

and all that I can think to say is sorry

please i need to find the stem of this (broken) flower

and find the hand of God to sew it back

please God i’m a broken flower

but you can leave me here to stay in this madness

please take this one back to your heart

(i been wrestling with swine, my dear, i fear

to find myself the same

an animal loosed, taken with wine,

find myself taken by shame)

Don’t look back, for all you will see

I sit here with these splintered pieces of

a shattered man in my arms

they sit with nothing to put them back

in this fairy tale, smashed them with my fist

but that’s not what I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

and all I wanted

All I wanted

I wanted

wanted

why...

2009-03-31T22:22:00.000-07:00

hardest to find; closest.

most painful; dearest.

dumbest; hopefulest.

learning; collateral damage.

closest; hardest to find.

the alphabet and what have you

2009-03-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

a b c (d) e f g h i j {k} l m {n} {(o)} p q r s t [u] v {w} x y z

and what have you.

just because you can't see me, doesn't mean i can't see you.

processing...

2009-03-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

i dont no if i can.

u ckeep ascking, and i dont no if i can.

thair is a loaf uv bread sitting on the neural pathways to get thair.

it is possible. it could be possible. it might be possible.

i dont no if i can.

there she is and now i see her killing snow

2009-03-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

slowly,

drifting now,

killing the snow,

i wish she would be,

killing the snow,

it falls,

and chokes,

and freezes my heart,

in a bleak mid-dream,

the sun is black with,

cold is coming,

closing,

drifting now,

killing the snow,

midnight sun

2009-03-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

Î dont know W hat love is

2009-03-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

chameleon

2009-03-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

i'm a chameleon, and as such, am not human, and have no right to a fair trial. in a city i am as human as humanity can be when it is absorbed through the senses. place me in a field and i am the grass. hold me to the sky and i'll be blue for you. place me within your dreams, i'll be beautiful. living with birds and i will learn to sing. in recognition of this, i am moved to trap myself with the life owned by others. a man without passion is hardly a man at all, then i am less of a man than most. but living among the passionate, i learn passion and someday yearn to be human. perhaps someday i will be able to confuse my camouflage reflexes by the sheer eclectic enormity of the life i pursue. then perhaps i will wake up and be human. unable to nur* reflect any longer, this survival mechanism will self destruct, vielleicht*. Ich habe keine* idea what the limit is. what the reflexes can handle. at what point, it wurde schwerig*. At which time, i will live.

*only

perhaps

i have no

becomes difficult (or heavy)

five year

2009-03-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

i havent seen a rabbit in five years
its hard to see how they even move
under all that... fur.

2009-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

I demand nothing less than brilliance. do you understand? Keeps marching around the front and says

Forget all your nonsense. this is what matters. that could only account for about less than 1/2 of what's really going on. i wonder if he (she?) realizes that pronouns may or may not be really useful. i wonder if she (he?) knows that sheet music is an instantaneous frequency domain representation. probably not.

There's no-one else in this room excepting me and (her?) him. not to say i am confused as to his (her?) gender. it just isn't important. there are certain aspects of femaleness (maleness?) that capture the movement, the tone, better.

better never than now. that's what the always say. i think i'll go home.

lalalala

2009-03-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

lalalalala

sometimes i think that abstract is a fancy way of saying that something makes no sense to you, but you can see there is some semblance of sense to be made.

lalalalala

falling.

2009-03-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

there he ran straight towards

the edge of a cliff and fel

_____________________l down

isolation

2009-03-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

patience (child,) she'll be here soon. then you can sleep.

the (good) seconds fall (bye). (one) after the other,

(day)s at a while. taken back (whe)re (n)o-one

(of patience) will hold you from (you)r (dream)s.

(now)

should have been there

2009-03-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

(should) have

been there

should('ve) been,

there should've

(been) there

should've been

(there) should

have been.

the (h)aunts me. the word should be there, but now it leaves, now it returns. who told it where to go. i didn't have the nerve to ask it to come back. didn't have the nerve, did not, have, the nerve. should is showled is should again.

paralysis

2009-03-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

he (jesus) cursed them with a forgotten grave

you believe you already live there.

feeling towards the light,

floor, sawdust, oil and nails

at least here I am safe

the forest is blind to me

the room makes no motion

this is a grave, but I know it is a grave.

my hands can feel the lack of space. my fingernails the atmosphere.

but at least i know. and nobody cries over a forgotten grave.

There is nothing seen, nothing smelt, nothing felt, nothing tasted.

The ice cream truck is outside, the familiar strain strikes me

Particularly peculiar.

yet nobody cries over a forgotten I am so lost in here. and I wish.

blood drives from my veins as a melody drives me in a direction I hope is forward.

rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.

there is a leak in the ceiling of my forgotten tomb.

blood drives from my veins as a melody drives me in a direction I hope is forward.

yet nobody laments a lost tomb.

and I wish.

it's official, I'm losing my mind

2009-03-13T06:30:00.001-07:00

it's official, I'm losing my mind. It packed up its bags this morning and said,

i just don't feel like this is working anymore.

sad day.

it's not you, it's me.

dang straight it's you. my mind has been crying for the past three weeks about how i never listen, never seem to be trying to make this thing work out, and I've been trying to make it see. brought it flowers, a nice red bouquet of roses. Now it's lying to me, and leaving.

i just feel like we've grown apart.

if by growing you mean you've stabbed a wooden stake in my forehead, that's a fair assessment.

i'll call in a couple of weeks once i've found a place to live.

as if that makes it better that somehow my ability to reason has found a more stable home than me.

i think that maybe we should have gone to counseling.

you and me both. this was suggested months ago by my spinal chord (cord? maybe that's why it hates me, never could spell its name right), but we (mind and myself) were too busy drinking coffee and staring coldly at a table pretending everything was ok so that the extremities wouldn't notice.

take care of the toes for me

they always were your favorite. you liked those toes more than anything else in the world. don't know what you saw in them. maybe if you hadn't spent so much time on the toes, we could have worked this out. I could have started working out more. I realize that I've let myself go, but I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat (and because you don't even have the time to tell me good night.).

i'll send a post card.

love hurts

2009-03-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

am i really that obvious

i'd like to think so, but i'd hate for you to see

crushed beneath

you're beautiful,

falling under,

smile out loud,

unrequited love hurts.

it's a sunny day in hell

a glimpse becomes a glance

and all euphoric wonder(sy)

broke i feel, i'm requiting your pain, I'd hate for you 2 be

crushed beneath

you're beautiful,

falling under,

smile out loud,

unrequited love hurts.

a hollow light

2009-03-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

is it raining
and I could stand here and be the one that no longer thinks of anything
are you standing there
and we could be standing for what feels like an afternoon
is it warm outside
and this could be walking like all the false pretenses I've held about
let me,
hold your hand
peace be still and there
's never enough for me
i hated to give
frozen in anger there
giving in with
a hollow light

take it back, take it back
you don't really love me
take it back, take it back
those tears that you're cryin
burning your side, let me

hold your hand
peace be still and there
's never enough for me
i hated to give
frozen in anger there
giving in with
a hollow light

drifting

2009-03-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

So many places that go

here, here , here , here ,

is that anyway to treat a friend

how do you live without

smile that failed expectation

grasp that failed excitation

take it all out, and in the end and the in between

it feels like drifting.

outside

2009-03-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

outside (windows and frames, light shattered on the sill)

There inside

once more, once more, once again,

and fallen.

shards

2009-03-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

broken vessel

hold more

(can a) over

and more filled than...

(more whole) than

desperate (I can hear the echoes of my future self in the next room)

laid out peculiar

she loves

2009-02-26T21:14:00.000-08:00

she loves.

she...

...loves, she loves

she loves, she loves, she loves.

paradise and a moment from now are almost the same place.

paradise is probably a few measures of distance to the left though.

Poor lines on the street never get to have much fun, though they

enjoy the rain. warm, cold, lovely february rain. and I speak, being born in april.

losing

2009-02-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

losing grip, my fingers slide over the surface. surrounding, abounding, yet losing grip.

still, sweet, 's wonderful how you smile, and I could never be happier for you

fine. fine.

Know that I am here for you, as long as your here to have me here for you.

I wanna be your world. but unfortunately, this has nothing to do with you. I want to be you.

Maybe, if you were treated as more than a luxury, maybe.

sorry. sorry.

my bad.

old post made new

2009-02-19T18:17:00.001-08:00

cell for solitary

confinement in the library

time traveling/

fossilized/

pants

o-o <- that is a barbell and I don't like titles sometimes

2009-02-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

that just feels like

going down the drain

and wishful thinking turned into a

lost center of I wished you here and now my

finger is in the wall but I'm on the other side and I

am drowning here while you paint the levee red.

there isn't just

and maybe if

that was pretty definite, though. see it

going down the drain.

you...

2009-02-07T09:40:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFoFR1BYpLA

there was something

2009-02-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

There was something I meant to say.

Then my voice began talking.

Then words were formed as if they were intended.

Then intentions were formed as if they were meant.

Their mentions became something.

Then you listened

stuff and a picture

2009-01-30T13:25:00.000-08:00

people don't like to be told what is clearly nonsense(about the way they think they operate).

and now the picture

"sorry to a friend"

I should be doing something else

2009-01-29T13:04:00.000-08:00

but love and love and love

and I cry like a baby, oh do I cry

when think upon just how beautiful you are

and love but love but love

holds you still just for thinking

and I cry like a baby, oh do I cry

just to think that you think that too

when love and love but love

comes and grabs a hold

and I cry like a baby, oh do I cry

when it brings me to my tears

and I listened to you writing in the room next to me. I hope that you didn't mind.

a little experiment

2009-01-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

the one thing

I know that you want

the one thing I can't give

without denying you

Genuine ()

I know that you want

Genuine ()

without denying you

the one thing

the one thing I can't give

Knock the wind out of me (lyric version)

2009-01-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

Knock the wind out of me

Is this redemption just a candy for my mind

thought you were burned from there long, long, ago

are you still beautiful or is this misrecall.

Never is the only way you ever leave

if breath were mine it leaves in disrespair

do you still laugh

Knock the wind right out of me

Somehow thought enters the mind

The concrete presses down (toward) the line

Mistaken jade to breathe

Head down, crawl through meant to be

Sew me back and set me walking

on my face, and love that will not loosen

chains me here, higher than I fly

only in a mad man’s mind does 4 proceed 3

Knock the wind right out of me

Somehow thought enters the mind

The concrete presses down (toward) the line

Mistaken jade to breathe

Head down, crawl through meant to be

Sew me back and set me walking

Is this coincidence divine

threw away your photograph some time ago

and at 24 degrees, breath falls

I Wanted More for You

2009-01-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

I hope you understand(now)

you have everything (you

wanted) you needed so

much ( more [(than)]) I Wanted More for You much

of this blinding weary falls upon the scales upon mine eyes

upon your breath up on

that life you

call your own you call

and all (there is to give) isn't me

Or Mine, Or

hold this skeleton and it. can let you

down... down

Response....(ible)

2009-01-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

is this what it means to be responsible.

Take what is in your hand and give it to the closest

Open and buffet yourself with a handshake and a nod.

"This bit might be the one you want, sir." offered helpfully.

What is full is clearly what needs to be poured.

What is empty needs filling. My cup is full,

here have some of this, otherwise I might

spill it on the floor. That would just be

messy.

or is that something else.

unchain my heart (a collaboration with my momma)

2009-01-23T20:44:00.000-08:00

Candy: dialogue within a split mind

2009-01-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

LT: Is this redemption just a candy for my mind

GN: thought you were burned from there long, long, ago

are you still beautiful or is this misrecall.

LT: (2:) Never is the only way (1:) you (3:) ever (4:) leave

GN: if breath were mine it leaves in disrespair

do you still laugh

you...

2009-01-21T08:44:00.000-08:00

And all that you had wished that I would say

never w(ever)ould enter my mind

And all the kinds of things that I should

do never w(ever)ould come to

be And all the man that I co-

uld be never w(ever)ould

happen to be me And the

life that so desperately

wishes itself upon me

never w(ever)ould

Allexceptforthisonelittlething

things only strangers (would believe)

2009-01-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

An audible voice woke me up

today. it said "Hey''

it Wasn't mine

I repeated the word once 0r twice

Or thrice perhaps

before (and after) [ testing]

but it wasn't M - ine

and love is golden and you are beautiful (

)

the mother of - a sonnet (or rather a feeble attempt at maintaining an artificial rhyming scheme)

2009-01-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

Necessity is no longer necessary

I've lost mind (my)

You hold mine ( )

Take this airy

Thought of you as ordinary

Norm to the lost find

Finest to the fine

Bold of you as contrary

Hope would ever be for you

To learn this

Come in

you really expect his

Life to be open

fridays - my first (intentional attempted) rondel

2009-01-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

That which is left up and gone

A belief on a misunderstanding

A life on a misunderestimating

Far and far and left and left alon(e)

Ever so much that remains is wrong

hands and ears are (so much) ever wringing

That which is left up and gone

A belief on a misunderstanding

One knee down on the lawn

An open case and a mispurchasing

An open life and a (mis)thinking

One knee down on

That which is left up and gone

inept

2009-01-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

(please)

with (don't) me please

toy

love is but a fragile pain intent

on shattering my

discontent

and I (violently) do need

somehow do (self) wish.

(please)

that it could be this.

some fun I had

2009-01-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

Everyone and Everything

2009-01-10T16:25:00.001-08:00

Around the corner stands aman

with everything and everyone 1 9 ^ (in) his left pocket

if he would just let it g -

if he would

call him, if you please.

See if he answers your voice

See (C) if he answers.

And all that.

the mother wakes

rest child

rest

goodnight

goodbye

one of ninety-five by E.E. Cummings

2009-01-04T10:25:00.000-08:00

l(a

one

iness

--E.E. Cummings

brahm

2009-01-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

I've looked in that closet already.

checked it once more, still empty.

Someday I know it will be full of magic.

Maybe here is some magic that I can stick in there. It'll be happy in there.

There you go. be happy closet.

No, not magic.

checked it once more, still empty.

Someday I know it will be full of magic.

101 ways to pretend

2008-12-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

So this is me writing for what I hope

I get confused by the wants inside me

Lost with things

Things

intellectually I don't care for

Never cared that much

So badly do I wish

I am a poor wisher

My head, my life, were straight

My heart, my soul, confessed

Configured to pretend that I know

With a single sideways glance and a short conversation

the world comes crashing

Love once imagined

receives a thrashing

And now the voice,

once emboldened, twice recoiled.

twice forgotten

Once remembered

the world comes crashing

Let me see the face

the world comes crashing

and her eyes spark.

The world

and I'm too afraid

comes

to even move

The world

The two things:

Comes

myself,

Crashing

inexpressible you,

post

2008-12-24T21:42:00.000-08:00

All the things that go through my head, never said.

processing.

...

I'm confused about life.

ideas

2008-12-18T07:19:00.001-08:00

cell for solitary confinement in the library

time traveling/fossilized pants

The Relic

2008-12-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

" When my grave is broke up again

some second guest to entertain

(For graves have learned that woman-head

To be more than one a bed)

And he that digs it, spies

A bracelet of bright hair about the bone

Will he not let us alone,

And think that there a loving couple lies,

Who thought that this device might be some way

To make their souls, at the last busy day,

Meet at this grave, and make a little stay?

If this fall in a time, or land,

Where mis-devotion doth command,

Then, he that digs us up, will bring

Us, to the Bishop, and the King,

To make us relics; then

Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen, and I

A something else thereby;

All women shall adore us, and some men;

And since at such time, miracles are sought,

I would have that age by this paper taught

What a miracles we harmless lover wrought.

First, we loved well and faithfully,

Yet knew not what we loved, nor why,

Difference of sex no more we knew,

Than our guardian angels do;

Coming and going, we;

Perchance might kiss, but not between those meals;

Our hands ne'er touched the seals,

Which nature, injured by late law, set free:

These miracles we did; but now alas,

All measure, and all language, I should pass,

Should I tell what a miracle she was."

-- John Donne

the cold

2008-11-30T06:57:00.000-08:00

Never did feel the cold until I saw the snow.

Never did I feel the rain until I saw your gaze pass over me.

guess I wasn't there.

wonder why you forget.

wonder why you don't see.

Now shivering and towels can't warm the frostbitten parts.

sneezing and tests

2008-11-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

It's getting cold in Iowa. Today I ate lunch and it snowed. Sometimes life is like sneezing big. There is something, up there. Something in the nasal cavity that is irritating you, making you sneeze. and then all your phlegm comes out all over your hand and you try to wipe on the bottom of the chair, or your sock, you know you do. If you are in a good spot, you have a tissue or a restroom you can duck into and wash your hands. If you're like me, everyone is gonna know you sneezed. If you are like some people I know, people in the next county will know you sneezed. It's nice to see someone sneeze. It is comforting because in that moment, you see their (1) humanity.

(1) I guess "his" or "his/her" is more proper, propriety is in my nasal cavity.

smoke

2008-11-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

Every time that I think of you, a spark flies from my mind. Radiance of even thoughts that glow from the dying embers.

Adrian Brody

2008-11-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

I can feel the onions stinging my eyes. Vicious, those little guys are. Got to make certain I don't rub my face. Jalapeno and onions and chili powder hurt when they get in your eyes. I have a friend who is a doctor who said sometimes they have to treat people who cut up hot peppers because they forget to not rub their eyes. Seems like a bad deal to me. but a tasty deal. that is if you get to eat whatever it was. that is, if it didn't go bad before you get home from the hospital. Hospitals are weird. They are one of the only places that it is legit to be depressed when business is good. I have another doctor friend who is always praying that he'll be out of a job. i.e. he hopes every stays healthy. I hope that too, but I wonder what he's gonna do when/if/when that happens. probably he'll play guitar.

Sometimes I'll let an email or message sit for a while. 'specially if I know what it says. That way I won't forget to answer it.

good night.

the sun fell asleep

2008-11-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

The sun fell asleep a little early today. It forgot to wrap itself quite well enough in its asbestos blankets. Can't really blame it, asbestos is kinda itchy. Like wool, but for stars and planets and such. That is what Venus and Mercury wear when they sun bathe. Tricky thing about being a planet, you only can sunbathe half of yourself at a time. I guess everyone has that problem. I've heard mercury is close enough to the sun it doesn't get to turn over to much. Must be pretty tan by now. Mercury feels pretty good about itself with winter coming soon I'm guessing. 'cept I bet it must have codependency issues since it hangs out with the sun so much. Anyways, the sun went to sleep a little early, and it forgot the blankets. Near caught the whole sky on fire, but for the moon heading it off. The moon is responsible like that. As I was driving back to Iowa today, I saw the coals still burning before the moon felt good enough to come out for the night. After the moon tucked the sun in a little better the clouds stopped freaking out and cooled off. We all went to bed listening to Steppenwolf and jazz versions of Beatle's songs. I got to be the designated driver for the evening, though, since the clouds were all asleep and the moon was fire fighting and the asbestos sheets could give me lung cancer or something. Which is why I'm still awake to write this. () , ; : . That sentence was empty. Shame, with all that punctuation it could have been dang good.

my mind is gone

2008-10-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Your mouth is moving, so we must be having a conversation.
There is a paper in front of me, so I must be reading.

What were we talking about? I just read the same paragraph three times.

Life is an insect that crawls into my head and squirms around until I can't think.

do you ever sleep, and will you let me?

2008-10-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

I know you are there waiting for me.

I can't tell if it is me or you that is in the dark

you are still there waiting for me.

Frantically I run back, forth, too, fro.

All while trying to pin down an exact definition of fro.

you are still there waiting for me,

and I'm scared to let go of the sound,

I'm scared to stop pouring out.

I might be empty, you might still be there

What will you pour in.

Will you pour more empty and let me drown.

scared of what is there where I cannot see.

you are still there waiting for me.

the tide falls

2008-10-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

the tide falls

the melody grows old

and worm filled logs fall in the forest.

The steam rises as ghosts from the mold

and the tide falls

the tide falls,

pride is sitting like old ironsides with it's guns above the waterline.

the tide falls,

and pride is sitting like old ironsides with it's guns above the waterline.

the steam pulls away from the underpinnings

shipwrecked love tries to save bitter pride.

shipwrecked love is bitter pried.

On the other side

2008-10-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

filled

2008-10-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

oh dear God please,

give me your wisdom.

why is the door that I need to go through shut?

why is open door the wrong way.

why is the easiest path not the best?

why do I not have a burning desire to walk through the open doors.

thank you for the desire to burn down the closed doors. or at least check to see if they are unlocked. make me thirst for you. make that which you have for me irresistible. my fists are still clenched, help me bring them open before you. open my hands that I might be emptied of myself. filled. give me rest in you. do not forsake me, and let me demonstrate your power to this generation. kill my stupid pride. filled.

filled

the train of thought

2008-10-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

(note: the following post may be depressing and/or disorienting)

the train of thought turned into a stream once.

then it slowed to a trickle.

the meter of life slowly drops down low enough to read it,

just in time to let me know what that means.

I am the worst of all men, but I don't believe it.

I believe it all too well, and it freezes me.

There is nothing I can do, my fists keep clenched,

and my, hard, head, keeps bending down to charge the line.

There is nothing I can do, and helpless carries more meaning than I can say.

Hands other than mine are reaching in and changing the workings

There is nothing I can do, and helpless carries more meaning than I can say.

Is there a point? or is this just one of those times that doesn't, and won't, make sense? futility. I'm better than anyone I know. Now that I believe, but I shouldn't. I'm better than anyone I know. Now that is a lie. dirty lie. and helpless carries more meaning than I can say.

There is only one thing that can make me sane again. my head knows what that is.

still playing catch up. my family is broke. thankful for hope.

like a sunburnt goth I live in denial of everything hopeful in this world, but some of my greatest pain seems to reveal my greatest need.

classy

2008-09-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

So today some of my friends organized a free hugs campaign. We stood in the middle of campus and held signs that said "free hugs." That was fun.

Blogging in class? How dare I.

He walked into class. Never seen someone walk into class before. It's like that purple cow thing. In this case, a few strides previous, he had no class. No sense of cool. No reason for respect. Within a meager few, class was his in a way that was indefinably classy.

a psalm

2008-09-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

Bless the Lord, oh my soul.

Bless his holy name.

In my waking and my lying down

Bless his holy name.

Everything that is within me

Bless his holy name.

The breath in my breath

Bless his holy name.

Sing his praises, oh my soul.

Bless his holy name.

Glorious, inexpressible, you.

Everything I need, even that which escapes me

That is what you provide

Weight incomprehensible, you.

That which escapes me.

The mirror in the back of your brain

2008-09-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

The mirror in the back of your brain shines for anyone. They can see into your eyes and through your skeletal grey matter and stare right back at themselves. They can smile and receive the smile again. You take the mirror out in the mornings to clean when you brush your teeth. Baking soda and elbow grease and then put it back in. But today you had run out of baking soda so you just ran some hot water over it and used a little hand sanitizer. It didn't feel quite as fresh and the suds from the hand sanitizer (the little one) still scrub the itch back there. tickles a bit. Well shoot dang. And you keep the tele on. and the stereo. and a video from the world wide interweb.

just. to. keep. from. listening.

wouldn't want to wake the neighbors.

and you're doing good, how's it going for you?

gotta remember to put baking soda on the grocery list.

It stoned me

2008-09-17T21:47:00.001-07:00

Do you believe?

Is there smoke in your mirror

Hiding your view from the beautiful

Is there a blinder on your eye

Keeping an eye on that could be

Difficult, eyes they wander

Smoked to clearer

morn of the mourner

bed of the bent

my father and his hands hold love. I always love my father.

Nephews

2008-09-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Just gotta throw this out there. My sister-in-law, Sarah with an h, has got my second nephew in her tummy. His name is Ezra Steel (he is totally gonna have superpowers). This will be a second excursion into unclehood for me. Ezra's cousin, Augustine John (he's 'strong like bull' to quote his dad), was born about a month ago. Right before school started pretty much. These little people (I would call them short but for the political incorrectness. Everyone knows that a babies' sense of political incorrectness is up there with its sense of love.) already have a future and a past. I am excited for my siblings (weird word). They'll be great parents. I am excited to be a cool uncle that accidentally lights the house on fire. I mean, no, why would I light the house on fire, I meant metaphorically. Cause I'll show them how to play the guitar... or something.

Something changed

2008-09-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

Epic is something I only hope to achieve.

Epic is a life that I only dream of living.

Epic is the way I most definitely crash.

If the mark of an epic lead character is he (I use 'he' for brevity and to increase the bluntness of the point, effectively nullified by this long aside. 'he' = 'they'/'he'/'she') has one minor flaw that leads to the major plot points. Achilles had a heel, Adam had pride, Aladdin had 'truth' issues, Peter Schlemiel was greedy, the Fiddler on the Roof didn't actually know how to fiddle to the best of my knowledge.

Does that mean that with all our flaws, our story will be more epic? What if I am insecure enough that I can't talk to anyone about what troubles me? What if I am prideful enough that I suffer from the same?

Like Plato said, "It was a wise man that invented beer." Oh wait, that isn't related.

I'll close my eyes, come a time

So sweet the mellow, come a time

Folded on my knees, come a time

Shameful, holding onto time, come a time

Exchanging the beauty of truth for something shiny

2008-09-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe I got overly excited about something that ain't gonna happen any time soon, and really, the promise, the call was meant for sooner than that. Or maybe I am an impatient fool. Oh I've got it, the things in front of my face are the those things.

Quiet yourself, this already hurt me; sometimes, to heal a wound you've got to get stuck in the arm with a flippin huge needle.

I am blind and I can not see. I don't even remember the times when I repeat my self. The times I am redundant. How many times do I need to fall down before I know what it means to just be carried. I can't see if what I see is the hope that I had, or if what I see is a foreshadowing. I get worried sometimes about the prophet God asked to marry a prostitute. God increased his burden of love for her with every unfaithfulness. I wonder sometimes if I am the prophet, or the prostitute. Am I forsaking things I should embrace? Or do I try to make up the mind of God, like Abraham and Sarah decide that what God really meant by a son was Abraham having a kid with the help. Does God mean X and I am trying for Y just because I don't have a big enough view?

All I can think of is to pray that God would make his plans for me irresistible.

Thy will

done

Come away from the window - Distraction

2008-09-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

He could feel his fingernails. Generally they were kept short and orderly. Considerably shorter than long, his fingernails pressed against the tips of his fingers and he noticed a dark gathering. The elderly lady had appeared again. “It’s time for my restoration therapy.” said the elderly lady. The young man listened. “Don’t spend overly much time on your breakfast, once you are full be done with it.” she said. She walked up the stairs, out of sight. He placed the envelope in his jacket pocket once more. One less distraction. He could hear large, short yelps coming from upstairs. It sounded like a martial arts demonstration.

The air pressed on him, crushing his lungs.

The door to the outside was oak.

Knock the wind out of me

2008-08-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

The last love that broken
Fool of thousand burnt, burdened
Breathless makes more sense
Sensed and percepted
Lifed a little much

Knocking the wind right out of me
Somehow thought enters the mind
The concrete presses down the line
Mistaken jade to breathe
Head down, I don't want to see
Crawl through meant to be
Knife to the bone
Needle the known
Sew me back and set me walking

The last love that broken
Fool of thousand burnt, burdened
Breathless makes more sense
Sensed and percepted
Lifed a little much

Somehow thought enters the mind
Knocking the wind right out of me
Mistaken jade to breathe
The concrete presses down the line
Head down, I don't want to see
Crawl through meant to be
Knife to the bone
Needle the known
Sew me back and set me walking

COPYRIGHT 2008 WILLIAM S. MONROE

odd one, that one

2008-08-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

break a leg, she said, break a leg

knock 'em dead, she said, break a leg

shock them into a cardiac arrest, she said, break a leg

odd one, that one.

keep up your head, she said, keep up your head

just keep breathing; put one breath in front of the other,

she said, keep up your head

stay with us, she said, stay with us, she said.

odd one, that one.

life

2008-08-26T07:54:00.001-07:00

Maybe if I just could find the right combination of words, something big would happen. Oh wait, no. Life doesn't work that way.

Why are things always so much harder than they seem. Or at least they seem that way.

I feel like Kansas's wall is holding me back. Perhaps as in the song, there is no wall. I'm not there yet...

Why is it so hard to get up and get done things that I want to do. Things that I need to do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHk_Emakefg&feature=related

first day of class and sushi

2008-08-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

mmm....

It was good good sushi. I am excited, my nephew's baptism is this weekend.

Don't fall asleep too soon

Bright eyes, and strong like bull

Hold firm to the end, and when you find your end

Make the most of the life that is lended

For a brave little hand, be a brave little man

Grabs hold of your sleeve, a resting reprieve

Wait to fall asleep again.

a good ham

2008-08-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's all to easy to get caught up.

Being right all the time, being with it.

Sometimes, you just got to slow down.

Sometimes, you just got to pour a tall glass of chocolate milk, and eat a plate of ham.

With a friend, even if you don't say anything. Even if you just end up watching a bad tv show. Well, maybe turn off the tv and just enjoy the company. and believe me, it was good ham.

Rest now (lyrics to new song posted on facebook and myspace pages)

2008-08-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Let me brush away your hair,

Kiss you on the forehead

Before you go to bed

Why do you sit there and stare

Just one moment in my arms

I have surely been blessed with you

Close now your eyes

Rest now, rest now

Look up and let me see

Deeply into your eyes

I will never resting, sigh

Until you are the death of me

Just one moment in my prayers

For I have surely been blessed, with you

Rest now your eyes

Rest now, rest now

Let the anguish pass

Pass on the water's crash

Beside your sleeping bed

The thought is much more rash

Than letting the weary past

Diving deeper into the arms

We have surely been blessed

Rest now your eyes

Rest now, rest now

Rest now

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