why...

hardest to find; closest.

most painful; dearest.

dumbest; hopefulest.

learning; collateral damage.

closest; hardest to find.

the alphabet and what have you

a b c (d) e f g h i j {k} l m {n} {(o)} p q r s t [u] v {w} x y z

and what have you.

just because you can't see me, doesn't mean i can't see you.

processing...

i dont no if i can.

u ckeep ascking, and i dont no if i can.

thair is a loaf uv bread sitting on the neural pathways to get thair.

it is possible. it could be possible. it might be possible.

i dont no if i can.

there she is and now i see her killing snow

slowly,

slowly,

drifting now,

killing the snow,

i wish she would be,

killing the snow,

it falls,

and chokes,

and freezes my heart,

in a bleak mid-dream,

the sun is black with,

cold is coming,

closing,

closing,

drifting now,

killing the snow,

midnight sun

Î dont know W hat love is

chameleon

i'm a chameleon, and as such, am not human, and have no right to a fair trial. in a city i am as human as humanity can be when it is absorbed through the senses. place me in a field and i am the grass. hold me to the sky and i'll be blue for you. place me within your dreams, i'll be beautiful. living with birds and i will learn to sing. in recognition of this, i am moved to trap myself with the life owned by others. a man without passion is hardly a man at all, then i am less of a man than most. but living among the passionate, i learn passion and someday yearn to be human. perhaps someday i will be able to confuse my camouflage reflexes by the sheer eclectic enormity of the life i pursue. then perhaps i will wake up and be human. unable to nur* reflect any longer, this survival mechanism will self destruct, vielleicht*. Ich habe keine* idea what the limit is. what the reflexes can handle. at what point, it wurde schwerig*. At which time, i will live.

*only

perhaps

i have no

becomes difficult (or heavy)

five year

i havent seen a rabbit in five years
its hard to see how they even move
under all that... fur.

I demand nothing less than brilliance. do you understand? Keeps marching around the front and says

Forget all your nonsense. this is what matters. that could only account for about less than 1/2 of what's really going on. i wonder if he (she?) realizes that pronouns may or may not be really useful. i wonder if she (he?) knows that sheet music is an instantaneous frequency domain representation. probably not.

There's no-one else in this room excepting me and (her?) him. not to say i am confused as to his (her?) gender. it just isn't important. there are certain aspects of femaleness (maleness?) that capture the movement, the tone, better.

better never than now. that's what the always say. i think i'll go home.

lalalala

lalalalala

sometimes i think that abstract is a fancy way of saying that something makes no sense to you, but you can see there is some semblance of sense to be made.

lalalalala

falling.

there he ran straight towards

the edge of a cliff and fel

_____________________l down

isolation

patience (child,) she'll be here soon. then you can sleep.

the (good) seconds fall (bye). (one) after the other,

(day)s at a while. taken back (whe)re (n)o-one

(of patience) will hold you from (you)r (dream)s.

(now)

should have been there

(should) have

been there

should('ve) been,

there should've

(been) there

should've been

(there) should

have been.

the (h)aunts me. the word should be there, but now it leaves, now it returns. who told it where to go. i didn't have the nerve to ask it to come back. didn't have the nerve, did not, have, the nerve. should is showled is should again.

paralysis

he (jesus) cursed them with a forgotten grave

you believe you already live there.

feeling towards the light,

floor, sawdust, oil and nails

at least here I am safe

the forest is blind to me

the room makes no motion

this is a grave, but I know it is a grave.

my hands can feel the lack of space. my fingernails the atmosphere.

but at least i know. and nobody cries over a forgotten grave.

There is nothing seen, nothing smelt, nothing felt, nothing tasted.

The ice cream truck is outside, the familiar strain strikes me

Particularly peculiar.

yet nobody cries over a forgotten I am so lost in here. and I wish.

blood drives from my veins as a melody drives me in a direction I hope is forward.

rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.

there is a leak in the ceiling of my forgotten tomb.

blood drives from my veins as a melody drives me in a direction I hope is forward.

yet nobody laments a lost tomb.

and I wish.

it's official, I'm losing my mind

it's official, I'm losing my mind. It packed up its bags this morning and said,

i just don't feel like this is working anymore.

sad day.

it's not you, it's me.

dang straight it's you. my mind has been crying for the past three weeks about how i never listen, never seem to be trying to make this thing work out, and I've been trying to make it see. brought it flowers, a nice red bouquet of roses. Now it's lying to me, and leaving.

i just feel like we've grown apart.

if by growing you mean you've stabbed a wooden stake in my forehead, that's a fair assessment.

i'll call in a couple of weeks once i've found a place to live.

as if that makes it better that somehow my ability to reason has found a more stable home than me.

i think that maybe we should have gone to counseling.

you and me both. this was suggested months ago by my spinal chord (cord? maybe that's why it hates me, never could spell its name right), but we (mind and myself) were too busy drinking coffee and staring coldly at a table pretending everything was ok so that the extremities wouldn't notice.

take care of the toes for me

they always were your favorite. you liked those toes more than anything else in the world. don't know what you saw in them. maybe if you hadn't spent so much time on the toes, we could have worked this out. I could have started working out more. I realize that I've let myself go, but I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat (and because you don't even have the time to tell me good night.).

i'll send a post card.

love hurts

am i really that obvious

i'd like to think so, but i'd hate for you to see

crushed beneath

you're beautiful, 

falling under,

smile out loud,

unrequited love hurts.

it's a sunny day in hell

a glimpse becomes a glance

and all euphoric wonder(sy)

broke i feel, i'm requiting your pain, I'd hate for you 2 be

crushed beneath

you're beautiful, 

falling under,

smile out loud,

unrequited love hurts.

a hollow light

is it raining
and I could stand here and be the one that no longer thinks of anything
are you standing there
and we could be standing for what feels like an afternoon
is it warm outside
and this could be walking like all the false pretenses I've held about
let me,
hold your hand
peace be still and there
's never enough for me
i hated to give
frozen in anger there
giving in with
a hollow light

take it back, take it back
you don't really love me
take it back, take it back
those tears that you're cryin
burning your side, let me

hold your hand
peace be still and there
's never enough for me
i hated to give
frozen in anger there
giving in with
a hollow light

drifting

So many places that go

here, here , here , here ,

is that anyway to treat a friend

how do you live without

smile that failed expectation

grasp that failed excitation

take it all out, and in the end and the in between

it feels like drifting.

outside

outside (windows and frames, light shattered on the sill)

There inside

once more, once more, once again,

and fallen.

shards

broken vessel

hold more

(can a) over

and more filled than...

(more whole) than

desperate (I can hear the echoes of my future self in the next room)

laid out peculiar